


you brought the flames (fall down on your knees)

by quixxotique (crownlessliestheking)



Series: i hope you find your peace [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: 2 AM Conversations, Abusive Bro, Dave is traumatized, Dirk and Dave are p much pale, Dirk tries to help with this, He basically thinks a lot about Bro and Dirk? And tries to sort out his feelings on it, Introspective Dave, Referenced Child Abuse, background davekat, not stridercest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 00:31:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11429445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownlessliestheking/pseuds/quixxotique
Summary: You think you’ve done a good job at separating Dirk and Bro in your head, never mind how you still flinch sometimes when you see him out of the corner of your eye. Shit takes time, that’s what Rose says, and you are fucking fine and sticking to that goddamn hope of recovery, you are a hamster with your tiny-ass hamster feet glued to this fucking wheel).(In which Dave has a nightmare, and a conversation about his Bro with Dirk ensues.)





	you brought the flames (fall down on your knees)

**Author's Note:**

> My first Homestuck fic, even though I've been into this shitty comic for years, now. I genuinely hope I've done Dave justice, along with his relationship with Bro (and the characterization of it), but if any of you want to shoot me a message or leave a comment with recs/criticism, please let me know.  
> Title taken from Praying (Ke$ha).

Wake.

You are Dave Strider, twenty-one and three months, one week, two days, fourteen hours, one minute, two, three, four, five seconds. You don’t need a clock to count that out, you feel it in your bones, in the beat of your heart- now an inhuman rhythm, steady but unfamiliar; it beats with the flow of time, the tick of the clock, unstoppable flow in a ceaseless stream.  
But now you’re just maudlin.

It’s 4:13- no, 2:24 in the A.M., fine morning, with the sun still hidden and the moon barely a slit in the sky. If you could be bothered to grab your phone, you’d text Lalonde (Rose, not Roxy), and ask her if it was a fine night for human sacrifice and blood magic. Probably also offer some kind of ironic apology for interrupting her usual communing with tentacled eldritch monsters- but, well, the entire joke of fucking them has long gone stale, though there’s still a hint of irony in how said tentacle monsters ended up fucking you all over in the end. Sort of. Guess it ain’t really their fault that the entire universe-ending game got jacked to hell and back by an psychotic skull monster who may or may not have had a raging hateboner for your ectobro at some point (not to be confused by your actual Bro, you think you’ve done a good job at separating Dirk and Bro in your head, never mind how you still flinch sometimes when you see him out of the corner of your eye. Shit takes time, that’s what Rose says, and you are fucking fine and sticking to that goddamn hope of recovery, you are a hamster with your tiny-ass hamster feet glued to this fucking wheel).

You take a moment to consider said ectobro, the Dirk of here and now, and finally reach for your phone.

TG: ok so i know youve like

TG: vaguely hinted at some shit going down with the kiddie meal version of lord english but

TG: it kinda sounded like you were in some kinda pitchflirting relationship over there and i aint going to judge man blackrom aint my cup of tea or whatever but

TG: actually im going to just come straight out here and demand an answer

TG: got a megaphone and everything

TG: signed writ from official first boyfriend of the troll kingdom demanding you give me a real answer to this

TG: these are the real questions dirk

TG: wait are you actually like

TG: asleep?

Well, shit. This is an unexpected roadblock.

TT: Technically, you’re not actual royalty, and therefore cannot command another monarch to give you a direct answer.

Never mind.  
Also: what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

TG: what the fuck is that supposed to mean

TT: Your title is by dint of your longstanding relationship with our favorite grumpy, shouty troll. Or your favorite, anyway, he’s a bit loud for my earbuds.

You bristle for a good minute, and are halfway through typing out what would definitely be a scathing defense of said boyfriend, but then you remember that Dirk lives in the middle of fuck-nowhere right now, and is shit at loud noises and loud people. Right.

TT: My own neuroses aside, though, he treats you well, and I guess that’s the most important part of it.

TT: Was he the one who told you that Callie’s bro and I were in some sort of hatemance? Because if so, I’m going to need to burst that bubble.

TT: The fact that they turn into giant snakes when they fuck aside, we don’t fit the typical ‘potent archrivals’ that one would be looking for in spades. I’m not saying that it wasn’t fun to fuck with the guy, but I don’t have a whole lot of proof of any sort of desire for that on his part, and the species difference in the concept of romance would have been too vast to overcome in any case.

TT: Also, you aren’t supposed to kill your hatemate, and quite probably not any of their friends, and I am 96.5% certain that he would have gladly murdered the others, if not me.

That’s one way to answer it, you guess.

TG: christ okay

TG: no karkat did not tell me that you two were in the pitch black doing some kinda apparently physically impossible sideways tango

TT: I mean, it’d give new meaning to the entire ‘crotch python’, or ‘trouser snake’, or even ‘anaconda’ innuendo.

If you had tea in your mouth and were even a fragment less cool, you would spit it out. The orange text does, however, garner a small curl of your lip.

TG: the anaconda do want some of that strider ass thank you very much

TG: were fuckin irresistible to aliens go figure

TG: maybe not striders alone but also the lalondes since rose is fuckin married to kanaya like god bless that lesbian interspecies relationship

TG: ruining traditional values all the way amirite 

TT: Republicans would have shit themselves repeatedly. Maybe even made a wall out of it, who knows?

TG: god can you even imagine

TT: But before we take a sickwicked kickflip off into the tangential realm, I do need to ask if there’s a reason you messaged me. So we can get that neatly packed away before discussing the integrity of shit as a building material.

You pause for a moment, chewing on your lower lip. You know it’s cool to chat about this shit with him, yeah, and he’s not actually here, in person, with those shades and that face and that makes this a lot easier, but. Feelings, ugh. 

TG: what cant a guy just wander what his ectobrodad did with a destroyer of universes when he was short enough to get a mchappy meal

TT: He McFreakin’ lost his shit at every turn, actually. And you can, but it’s a bit of a non sequitur at 2 A.M.

TG: 2:35 

TT: Right. 

TG: no man its just

TG: i wanted to talk to someone and its not like anyone else is awake at this hour

TT: Well, yeah, but I’m certain you could have gone to find your mostly nocturnal boyfriend. 

…  
That.  
That is a good point, actually, but you do know why you didn’t think of it. Yeah. Definitely not just saving face at this point.

TG: yeah but hes got like kingdom shit to do man whereas i just look pretty for the press

TT: Your alternate self did do his fair share of shameless media hussying. 

You’re always unsure of how to feel when you think of Dirk’s admitted obsession with his Bro. You, technically. He seems better at separating the ‘ideal he constructed’ or whatever, from the actuality of you, but sometimes you can’t help but feel like you’ve disappointed the guy or like you’re jealous of him. His Bro was a hero, too, apparently. He got a brother who cared, even 400 years in the past, while you got a puppet-loving psychopath. Which, not to be unfair to the Dirk here right now, sucked balls.

TT: Is this about my alternate self? 

Son of a fuck. You sometimes forget that he and Rose are related, but it’s moments like this that really just drive that fucking nail in. Probably deep into your coffin.

TG: uh

TG: would it be weird if i said it was

TT: Not really, no. He was the absolute, literal scum of the earth. 

TT: And the first time we met, that is what we ended up conversing about. 

TG: well my guy you are not wrong there

TG i uh had a nightmare i guess

TG: which aint that weird on its own im p sure rose has said shit about us all having ptsd up the wazoo but i mean coping through emotional repression n shit is what we do best yeah

TT: It’s unhealthy, but it works. I’m trying to be a bit better, but really, one thing at a time. Let’s sort out the most damaging of my neuroses first, I’ve got them all stacked up and organized. Of course, the smallest one is boxed up at the bottom. 

TG: ha

TG: yeah man alright you do that

TG: try not to get crushed by them boxes

TG: dont get suffocated by them either

TT: I really don’t think that will be an issue. 

TG: look at you man getting in on the slang

TG: should i like shed some sort of fatherly tear

TT: We can leave that to the Egbert/Crocker Dad. 

TG: a man of the ages he is

TG: but yeah 

TG: i guess talking about this is a thing that im gonna do but at least i know youre suffering along with me for this one

TT: I wouldn’t refer to it as suffering, really. My feelings on the matter would verge more towards guilt than anything else. 

TT: But go on. 

TG: right 

TG: there was a nightmare like i said

TG: not a game nightmare per se but like obviously i know i was dreamin but shit felt real dude

TG: ok so let me set the scene for you, close your eyes and imagine and all that good shit

TG: visualize

TG: and stop those three bubbles my bro i fuckin know that closing your eyes aint gonna help with reading these messages but you also have fuckin text to speech like a fnacy asshole so we both know thatd be pure sass on your part

TT: You really do have my number, man. My lips are zipped, my fingers awaiting the staples. 

TG: right 

TG: so its texas circa 2007

TG: racist and hot as balls, bright sun, the apartment is stifling since the AC is goddamn broken and the whir of fans is eternal

TG: you hear that shit in your nightmares ironically enough

TT: Ha. 

TG: yeah so im there obviously

TG: like a spring goddamn chicken your plucky hero or unfortunate douchebag emerges from bed

TG: rumpled artfully and spotty as fuck thanks to puberty

TT: Thirteen treats none of us well. In the interest of accuracy, have you got any pictures from that age? 

TG: no and you will never see them

TG: now i ‘wake’ up to a note on my face and i swear that goddamn post it glue was the cause of the worst breakouts don’t even get me started on it

TG: strife, roof, the usual bullshit that its way too fuckin early for

TG: but today idk man maybe im feelin good

TG: maybe im feelin like this is finally the day i can win yknow? 

TG: for once in my life lmao

TT: So you go up to the roof. 

TG: yeah

TG: and hes just standing there like always with that fuckin puppet over his shoulder and sword in hand and his shades on and like always he looks like hes ready to straight up kill me and just move on with life after cleanup and appropriate body disposal

TG: but im still feelin good for some bizarre reason

TG: got my sword shitty as it is and goddamn am i ready

TG: readier than i ever was before thats for fuckin sure

You hesitate before continuing to type- this, isn’t that great of a part, but you’re already halfway there, pretty much. Too late to back out of the high dive when you’ve already got both feet off it.

TG: and then we strife

TG: and its awful as ever im getting my ass fuckin handed to me with a side of grits and a tall glass of sweet tea

TG: and then caledscratch is in my hand

TG: which is for obvious reasons fuckin great except now im in my godtier duds sweet hood and pants and cape and

TG: he still wins

TG: he fuckin

TG: he kills me

TG: over and over and i somehow still cant beat him

TG: decapitation sword in my chest slit my throat goddamn everything 

TG: and i know I still have my time powers

TG: i know im p much a fucking god i mean look how far ive come

TG: but he still wins

TG: and then i woke up

TG: messaged you, etc., here we are

TT: Shit. 

TT: Well. 

TT: That’s fucked up, man. 

You know. You can still feel the residual ache, the press of a sharp-edged blade against your skin, the taste of blood in your mouth. Wet and hot and iron, clogging your windpipe, suffocating.  
You shudder, and force yourself to read his next message.

TT: We both know how shit I am at comforting, here, but. 

TT: He’s not going to come near you, ever again. He’s dead and buried by a Jack that the two of us ended up beating. 

TT: And even if he came back, not one of us would even think to let that fucker anywhere near you. 

TT: Bear with me, here, because I’m going to get a little personal and sappy. 

TG: like i havent spilled it all

TT: My emotions are ugly and messy and nobody really needs to deal with that. But I’ll curate this message to make sure it’s not too bad. 

TG: oh shit

TG: were getting feelsy all up in this bitch

TT: Hold on to your hat. 

TG: im more concerned about yours flying right off your shirt ill be honest

TT: I can catch it, don’t worry. 

TT: You weren’t really what I expected, when I met you. 

Your stomach drops, almost instantly. Shit, shit, you’d known it, hadn’t you, that you’d only disappoint a guy who’d been fucking worshipping this other version of you who was impossibly good? (That Dave Strider, who is he?? You don’t know him.)

TT: But you helped me in ways that I don’t think I’ve really ever vocalized. 

TT: I mean, we all know that I was, unequivocally, shitty. 

TT: But I don’t think that I ever considered how bad I could be, y’know? I always thought that I knew best, that I was doing things for the right reasons. 

TT: And then you, my bro, come along. And you tell me how I raised you, and it’s just absolutely fucking horrifying. Because no matter how sociopathic and awful he was, I don’t doubt for a minute that he was absolutely convinced he was doing it for the right reasons. 

TT: I saw exactly how I’d end up, if I kept acting that way. It was a huge kick in the ass, but one I needed. 

TG: yeah but

TG: you arent him now he wouldnt have tried to change

TG: and its not like i didn’t use what he taught me yknow

TT: Well, I don’t think teaching is a good word for it. 

TT: ‘Teaching’ would better fit the intended purpose of the Brobot before the novice setting was broken and those plans went awry as fuck. 

TG: yeah 

TG: but it feels ungrateful somehow to call it the other one

TG: like hell pop up and yell that he raised me and had a roof over my head and there were others who had it worse

TT: You do know what it was, though. 

TG: yeah

TT: Yeah. 

TG: but i shouldnt love him right

TG: after all that

TT: Honestly, man? 

TT: I can’t tell you how to feel. 

TT: I can, however, tell you what might have been going through his shitty head, if you want to hear it. 

TG: alright

God, you want that insight. You want to know, so badly, what the fuck could have made him like this, why he did all that shit (and preparation is utter bullshit and you know that now, you’ve had eight years to begin to process it). You want to know why, even after knowing what he did to you was wrong and awful, some desperate part of you still loves him, still thinks ‘would Bro be proud?’

TT: Alright. 

TT: From what I gather, he would have been on his own from an early age, with Cal for company, right? Landed on a meteor, destroyed some random building, only there wasn’t a guardian set up to wait for him. There was just, him, and Cal. 

TG: i guess that sounds p accurate yeah

TT: So, he never had anyone that loved him. And he never loved anyone, probably. When you came along, all his issues were very much well-established and ingrained in his personality. 

TT: And before you start protesting that it might have in any way been your fault, I’m going to say right now that look how I turned out. The same innate problems were there, only I had people that cared, even if I was absolutely shit at caring back. Without Roxy, Jane, and Jake, I probably would have been as bad as him, if not worse. 

You wince- this isn’t a thought you want to have; you still remember that first meeting, where seeing him had been a slap in the face. That same impossibly blank look, the shades, the way he held himself slightly hunched over. You were thirteen again, before he knocked you out on the roof. Ten, when he ‘accidentally’ broke your arm. Six and impossibly small when he shoved a sword into your hand and told you that you were going to be a man.

TT: So, yeah. 

TT: He’s an adult now, probably with a host of toxic masculinity issues given the rough time period he was in. 

TT: And then along comes this baby, and he knows it’s his. He sees you, and he just knows. Maybe Cal told him, maybe not. And if you weren’t fated to be his, he was going to make it so. 

TT: Like, there’s this child, entirely dependent on him for everything. And keep my own issues with control in mind, here. That would have been power on an entirely different level for him; everything and anything he did would directly impact you. He could shape you, or break you, he could do whatever he wanted, and nobody would have stopped him. In his mind, anyway. 

TT: You were the perfect person to make love him, really. 

TT: And that’s what he did, I think. He normalized all this shit, was nice and gave you shit in calculated doses so you’d adore him. He built himself up in your mind like some kind of narcissistic manipulation, and he wanted that unconditional affection. And he got it. 

TT: I have no idea how much of it was actually Cal like you seem to think, and how much wasn’t, but that’s my best guess as to his thought processes, anyway. Did it help? 

Your mind might be a little blown, honestly, but not necessarily in a good way. It’s…exactly what you wanted, and sure, they’re technically the same person, but you know you wouldn’t have the same kind of insight into Dirk’s bro that he’d want. You’re…not actually sure of how it makes you feel, that he could tell you this much.  
That he can empathize that much.  
You swallow, fingers curling and uncurling in your sheets as you stare blankly at the phone. You know he isn’t your Bro. You know that. And you know that his assessment is probably accurate, even if it’s not exactly what Rose said on the meteor when you first started to work through this bullshit. Hell, it’s going to be more accurate than that, authentic and bottled fresh from the source, even.

TT: Dave? 

TG: yeah im here i just

TG: how do you know all that

TG: i fuckin lived with the guy for thirteen years and i could not tell you once what the fuck was going on in his head

TG: do you like 

TG: remember shit from that is it some kinda splinter merge deal or

TT: It’s all just speculation, honestly, based on what you’ve told me and what I know about myself. I just imagine me, unchecked, ten thousand times worse, and it’s not that difficult to think about what he could have done. What he did do, in fact. 

TT: I couldn’t tell you where exactly his logic started, but if he was on the streets or in the foster system, which I hear was pretty bad? It would make sense for his first and only priority to be survive. And if he could do it, so could you. You were meant to be just like him, right? 

TG: i guess but idk man it seems kinda shitty to blame this entire thing on his backstory or whatever

TT: There’s a chance he could have turned out the same way even without a backstory like that. It provides a potential explanation, not an excuse. What he did was fucking unforgivable, and I’ll never stop being sorry that you had to go through that. 

TG: me too

TT: Yeah. 

TT: Seriously, though, I hope that helped. And I’d like to remind you that even though you aren’t the same guy that left all that shit for me, you’re still my bro. And since we’ve already jumped onto the feels train and are hurtling into Tearstown, you’re important to me. 

TG: aw shit man you had to make it sappy didnt you

TG: from goddamn cold analysis to right in the kokoro

TT: Did it go broki, broki? 

TG: jesus fuck 

TG: youre ridiculous and you must be stopped

TT: My bropuns have endeared me to your nightmare Consorts, I hope you know. They’ve finally stopped trying to make me and innocent passersby into soup. 

TG: theyre plotting dude

TT: I’ll go out in a blaze of glory as they enact their coup d’état. My last act of defiance will be some nasty indigestion. 

TG: holy shit

TT: Unholy, more like. 

You can’t help it, you snort. The levity helps, the mood’s lifted, and your earlier minipanic about Dirk potentially being more like Bro than you wanted to believe is gone. For the most part, anyway. You’re almost calm again, honestly, and the nightmare itself is a fading memory. You’re sure that they’ll be back, but for now, you would like to think that you’re okay.

TG: if i know you

TG: youre gonna write out an entire goddamn essay for a food label and potential warnings

TT: Choking hazard? 

TG: only for small parts

TT: Or if you try to swallow giant pieces of triangular glass. Mind out of the gutter, bro. 

TG: christ can you even imagine

TT: Bite my head off, try to swallow only to get some nasty throat lacerations from the shades. 

TG: razors in candy kinda deal there

TT: No way, dude. They know I wear these, they are there as advertised. Ain’t my fault if they don’t take them off. 

TG: touche

TT: I actually do think that I need to get some sleep, though. 

TG: or youre gonna shower and you dont want me to give you shit for that again

TT: There’s nothing wrong with my showers, dude. 

TG: youre going to be singlehandedly responsible for desertification of that kingdom just you wait

TT: I’ll solve that if I cause it, don’t you worry. 

TT: But I am going to try and get some sleep, figure out if I can wiggle my way into the good graces of a proper sleep cycle. 

TG: aight man gnight

TG: and uh

TG: thanks for the talk

TT: Not a problem. Always glad to have a chat with you, dude. 

TT: Night, Dave.

You’ll deny the small smile on your lips as you turn the phone back off pretty much forever, and you leave it behind as you get up in search of your still-kind-of-nocturnal boyfriend to manhandle the guy into taking a break and accepting some cuddles.  
It’ll be alright, all these things you never thought you’d have.

**Author's Note:**

> I did put this as part of a series, yes, but I'm planning it to be a kind of loosely interrelated Strider-centric deal, probably with one piece focusing on each of them. Except maybe Bro, I'm not really sure how I want to deal with him. Alpha Dave, Dirk, and Hal will most likely be getting something, and potentially DS. 
> 
> Hope you liked it <3


End file.
